I have plenty of theories about what makes a relationship work and what doesn’t..
Hmmm..
But if I had to say there was one rule that has served me particularly well, it’s this:
Always think twice before saying something that might hurt their feelings. Never think twice before saying something that will make them feel good.
If there’s someone at work or in your church or your circle of friends that you’re interested in, someone you think is really fantastic, but you have no idea what they think of you…tell them anyway.
If you’re in a new relationship with someone and you’re absolutely smitten, but you’re worried that you shouldn’t tell them how you feel because it might scare them, might make them think less of you somehow, might be something they’re not totally ready for… tell them anyway.
If you’re in a bar or a coffee shop and you see a guy or girl on the other side who you think looks particularly attractive, but you’re worried that they won’t like you or think you’re smart or attractive or funny or “cool” enough for them… tell them anyway.
If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and that spark seems to be gone – if your days are largely filled with the residue of arguments and cold statements and careless remarks – think back to a time when it wasn’t like that, when you looked at that person and they were everything you could have possibly wanted in another…think about that and then go tell them how special they are to you.
If you’re in the middle of an amazing relationship where all you can do is think about the other person, where every new thought that enters your brain seems to revolve around them…tell them, every time.
Now, here’s the tough part. As you’re doing these things, don’t worry about it being recipricated. Teach yourself to not care.
We live in a world that has programmed us to believe that our self-worth rests in other people. We’re taught that finding the right man or woman is all we’ll need, and that once we find that person our lives are going to be perfect.
Of course, it rarely ends up that way. The spark that once existed dies. The cute nicknames are replaced by rolled eyes and sharp comments. Something happens – the person lets us down.
The person doesn’t seem to care enough about us. Doesn’t tell us how special they think we are nearly enough. It seems as though we’re always doing more in the relationship – the scorecard is tilted decidedly in our favor.
So we withdraw. Some of us stay in the relationship and choose to ignore it. Some of us actually get used to fighting – almost get a high from it. Others choose to find solace in someone else’s arms. Still others just call it off, and resolve to be much more careful about who they let in next time.
The thing is, it’s probably neither person’s fault. They’ve been programmed a certain way, by a society that tells them a lie, by a soul that tells itself a lie.
That lie is that someone else can complete you. They can’t.
Guess what? You can’t complete them either.
So where does that leave you? It depends on how you look at it. You can despair and feel sorry for yourself. You can decide that all of this is meaningless, that you’ll never be happy. You can decide to stop looking for love and instead look for opportunities to take advantage of others who are.
Or…you can realize that there is someone else that does complete you. You can spend your life learning how to be loved by someone whose devotion to you never wavers. Learn what love truly is, and discover that the love you’ve been looking for all these years is simply meant to be a reflection, a reminder, and outgrowth of that love you already possess.
Sounds mushy, but it’s also powerful. Powerful because it frees you from looking for that love in someone else. Powerful because it frees you to love others without keeping score. Allows you to love others the way they were meant to be loved by you.
You’ll find people that you find attractive and want to get to know better. You’ll approach them with confidence and be honest, making jokes and being sincerely interested in them. You’ll probably let them know that you’re interested in getting to know them better, and you won’t be afraid. If they aren’t interested, you’ll be okay with that – either way, you’ve let them know that someone out there thinks they’re special and worthwhile and interesting and beautiful.
Maybe you’ll go on a few dates together. You’ll probably tell them how smart you think they are, that you think they’re job is interesting, that you really like their shoes. It might make them uncomfortable. Maybe they’ll withdraw for a bit. Maybe they’ll ask for some space. Maybe they’ll call you a freak and never talk to you again. You won’t care – they’ll know that someone out there thinks they’re special and worthwhile and interesting and beautiful.
And then, one day, you’ll find someone that doesn’t find your honesty strange. You’ll find someone who thinks you’re witty and entertaining and attractive and fun to be around. And the best part is that they’ll be honest enough with themselves to realize that your behavior – the fact that you find them utterly fascinating – isn’t creepy at all, but rather is the thing they’ve wanted for their entire lives, the thing they cried themselves to sleep about after losing…or after never finding anything remotely close to it before. And they’ll love you back with the same reckless abandon that you loved them.
And it will be great and your life will be infinitely better as a result. And in that moment, you’ll experience the closest reproduction of what God wants with us that exists in this world.
Call someone, meet someone, spend time with someone you care about. And tell them. And mean it.
