I'm More Than Just Myself

Puso o Isip???

2011-04-22T22:07:00.001-07:00

Sabi nila isa raw sa pinakamahirap pagdesisyunan sa lahat ay kung alin sa dalawa ang mas pagaganahin mo, kung utak o puso.

Ganito kasimple, sa mga komplikadong eksena halimbawa, alam mo ng nasasaktan ka, bakit mo pa rin itinutuloy?

Kapag nalagay ka sa isang posisyon na kinakailangan mong mamili kung alin sa dalawa, ang daang mahirap na kapag nalagpasan mo ay labis-labis na kaligayahan ang mararamdaman mo o isang simpleng pagpapasya na tapusin ang nararamdamang hirap at maghanap ng mas madaling daan.

Alin sa kanila ang mas pipiliin mo?

Isama mo na ang katotohanang sa una hindi mo pa nasisiguradong kapag nalagpasan mo amg mahirap na daan ay matitiyak mo na ang kaligayahang dulot ng matagal na paghihirap, paminsan-minsan nauuwi rin sa wala ang lahat. Pupuwede pang sa pagpupumilit mong bagtasin ang liku-likong daan, higit sa kalahati ang tiyansa mong maligaw, hindi dahil sa may nagligaw sayu kundi niligaw mo ang sarili mo.

Oo alam ng utak mong nagpapakatanga ka pero bakit puso pa rin ang pinapagana mo.

Marami akong kakilalang nadala na sa paulit-ulit na pagpapangibabaw ng puso nila sa kanilang sistema. Madalas nilang sabihin "nadala na ako, utak na ang ginagamit ko".

Yan ang isa sa mga posibleng benepisyong nakukuha sa pagkakamali. Sa unang pagkakataong nabagtas mo ang maling daan, sa ikalawa ba'y pipilitin mo pa ring idaan ang sarili mo doon?Katangahan na marahil na matatawag kung ganun ang gagawin mo.

Pero minsan talaga dumarating sa puntong mapapaisip ka, wala lang halos pinagkaiba sa isang exam kung saan alam mong letter A ang sagot pero B ang isinulat mo at kapag tinanong ka na kung bakit yun ang sinagot mo isa lang ang pupuwede mong masabi. "Hindi ko rin alam ee...basta ang alam ko yun ang tama".

Paliguy-ligoy ang aking mga pagpapahayag hindi dahil sa trip ko lang, kundi dahil gusto kong hindi lang utak mo ang gumagana, nais kong mangyaring puso mo ang magbasa ng bawat salitang nakapaloob dito.

Higit sa lahat bago ka magpasya kung utak o puso ang paiiralin mo, mas magandang palaging magtitira ka ng para sa'yo, unahin mong mahalin ang sarili mo bago ang iba ....

Past and Present by Paulo Coelho

2011-02-21T04:43:00.000-08:00

How do you make peace with a negative past and with those who have wronged you?

In order to move from the past to the present you need to accept your scars. But you need to do everything in your power in order to heal them so that the ghosts of your past will no longer barge in your present life.

It is a long and difficult process I grant you – but it’s a way out of guilt and hatred in my eyes.

How does one keep enthusiasm, especially when you meet people who are well.. scary and mean?

It’s normal that we don’t always keep our enthusiasm in front of obstacles. Indeed some people truly make an effort in destroying our plans and hopes and so they appear as evil.

But in these moments, if you are able to remind yourself of the reason of your actions and also see that those that are committed in creating pain around them are actually their first victims – then you may at least find an extra dose of consolation in your path. Ally yourself with those that wish you the best and don’t give strength to those that want to see you down. Don’t even grant them the right to be called your “enemies”.

How do you stop sadness?

By welcoming it and living it intensively for a determined amount of period. In my case I give myself three days to be completely submersed in this feeling.

Once I’ve let sadness pay me a visit, then I kindly ask it to leave. Sadness is then satisfied and leaves.

Para Sa Mga Taong Sobrang Magmahal : A Tagalog Post

2011-01-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

Hindi ko naman sinabing mali ang magmahal ka ng sobra sa isang tao pero minsan nakakainis na yung tipong ikaw na lang ang nasasaktan at umiiyak. Mahal mo nga sya ng sobra at wala namang nagdududa pero isa lang naman ang tanong eh “Kung mahal ka din ba ng sobra ng taong minamahal mo ng sobra”. Kung “OO” ang sagot ikaw ang isa sa mga pinagpala sa mundo na magkaroon ng isang relasyon na sinasabi nila na “Wagas na Pag-ibig".

Pero minsan hindi mo rin sila masisisi dahil kung minsan hindi mo man aminin ganun ka din kung magmahal (sobra-sobra sa dapat lang ibigay). Heto ang ilan sa mga nakakainis sa mga taong sobra kung magmahal sa taong walang pagmamahal sayo:

1. Sobra mong binigay ang lahat na tipong wala ng natira para sayo kaya kung minsan ang nagiging dahilan mo sa kanya “Ano pa ba ang kulang at dapat kong gawin para lang hindi mo ko iwan”.

2. Nakakasakal kang magmahal dahil sa wala kang tiwala pero sobra kang takot na mawala sya to the point na kailangan nya ng sabihin sayo na “Ayoko na ng ganito nakakasakal ka na maghiwalay na muna tayo”. Nakakairita ka sa simpleng salita.

3. Sobra ka ng tanga at bobo sa paningin ng tao sa paligid mo sa larangan ng pag-ibig. Alam mong niloloko ka na pero nagagawa mo padin syang patawarin dahil sa dahilan mo na hindi naiintindihan ng mga tao sa paligid mo.

4. Ang taong sobrang magmahal madalas nila nakaka-away ang mga kaibigan nila dahil sa sobrang pagtatanggol sa taong mahal nya.

5. Para kang aso kung makahabol sa kanya, linta kung makadikit, pusa na sobrang makapaglambing, parang kuto at surot na hindi mabubuhay kapag nawala sya sayo. Tapos sya alam mo kung ano isang ibon na lumilipad habang iniiputan ka sa ulo pero baliwala lang sayo dahil para kang isang love bird na magpapakamatay kapag naiwan na nag-iisa.

6. Ang taong sobrang magmahal walang pinapakinggan kundi ang sarili lang nila. Mapapagod ka lang sa kakapayo sa kanila dahil parang nakikinig lang sila sayo at tipong sasang-ayon pa sila sa payo nyo pero ang totoo nyan alam na nila ang gagawin yun ay ang kabaligtaran sa kung ano man ang naipayo mo.

7. Ang masakit sa lahat ay sila mismo ang nananakit sa sarili nila kulang na lang tadyakan at sapakin mo para lang magising sa katotohanan na ayaw na sa kanila ng taong sobra nilang mahal. Nakakainis dahil sobra din nila pinapaasa ang mga sarili nila na magkakabalikan pa sila pero ang totoo...

"sya na lang ang nag-iisip na magkakabalikan pa sila o magiging sila pagdating ng panahon."

8. Ito ang sobrang kinaiinisan ko “Bakit may mga taong sobrang magmahal sa mga taong wala namang kwenta”. Wala na ngang kwenta pero nagagawa ka padin nilang saktan at gamitin pero pumapayag ka dahil nga sa sobra mo syang mahal.

9. Nakakainis dahil SOBRA DIN ANG SAKIT NA DULOT NG SOBRANG PAGMAMAHAL. Dahil mahirap ng intindihin ang isang tao kapag ito na ang dahilan nya “Mahal ko nga kasi eh” at tatanongin mo pa ng “Bakit mo nga sya mahal” na ang sagot na ibibigay nya ay hindi mo rin maiintindihan…..Ang gulo nito pero totoo diba?

Ang totoo nyan wala naman talagang sobra sa pagmamahal at wala din tama kung ilang porsyento lang dapat ang ibigay mong pagmamahal sa isang tao. Ang mahalaga sa bandang huli ay nagmahal ka at kung masasaktan ka man ng sobra ay hindi mo na kasalanan yun dahil mali din naman na isisi mo sa sarili mo at sa iba ang sakit na nararamdaman mo ngaun. Sabihin na lang natin na isa itong karanasan na dapat lampas bilang isang tao na alam kung pano ang magmahal at masaktan.

..........................

“ Huwag mong husgahan kung pano magmahal at masaktan ang isang tao dahil lang sa kung ano ang nakikita mo dahil iba ang nakikita mo sa nakakaramdam ng pagmamahal at sakit na dulot nito. Kagaya ng iba din ang sinasabi nya sa harap ng taong mahal nya kumpara sa naririnig mo sa kanya kapag sya ay nasasaktan. “

Maybe One Day, Things Will Change

2011-01-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I was one of those people who had life all figured out.

You know....the ones who know exactly what they want to do with their lives and how their going to get there. :'(

Nothing can stop them, they keep pressing forward no matter how many times they failed. I wish I was like that, well I used to be. I wish I could live this life to the fullest as if I were to die tomorrow. I wish I had no regrets. I wish I had the courage and strength to forget all my troubles and just live my life the way I've always wanted.

Not caring what others thought and living for myself.

Making myself happy.

Taking risks.

I mean doesn't it scare you to know that you only have one life to live and when your times up its up. I know live for today right... but why is it so damn hard? Just to be happy, find people who care, find love, and following your heart or whatever is left of it. I wish life wasn't so hard sometimes.

Live life to the fullest is easier said then done when your struggling to even get out of bed in the morning or to force yourself to put a smile on your face.

I feel like my life is a joke. :'(

I don't know what I'm doing with myself I'm just ******* my life away. Everyday that goes by I see a part of myself die inside because I know deep down inside this is my life. I can't change certain things. Everyday I'm reliving this pain and anger. I see my life crashing down before my eyes and I don't have the strength to pick up the pieces anymore. I had to put my life on hold because of my sick mother. My dreams are dead because of reality. I'm exhausted. I can't fight the tears anymore nor do I want to. I'm so tired it hurts.

I just want a hug. I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.That I'll find my way somehow. Don't give up. I want someone to tell me that one day things will change.

Intentionally Live On Purpose

2010-12-26T05:23:00.000-08:00

I have plenty of theories about what makes a relationship work and what doesn’t..

Hmmm..

But if I had to say there was one rule that has served me particularly well, it’s this:

Always think twice before saying something that might hurt their feelings. Never think twice before saying something that will make them feel good.

If there’s someone at work or in your church or your circle of friends that you’re interested in, someone you think is really fantastic, but you have no idea what they think of you…tell them anyway.

If you’re in a new relationship with someone and you’re absolutely smitten, but you’re worried that you shouldn’t tell them how you feel because it might scare them, might make them think less of you somehow, might be something they’re not totally ready for… tell them anyway.

If you’re in a bar or a coffee shop and you see a guy or girl on the other side who you think looks particularly attractive, but you’re worried that they won’t like you or think you’re smart or attractive or funny or “cool” enough for them… tell them anyway.

If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and that spark seems to be gone – if your days are largely filled with the residue of arguments and cold statements and careless remarks – think back to a time when it wasn’t like that, when you looked at that person and they were everything you could have possibly wanted in another…think about that and then go tell them how special they are to you.

If you’re in the middle of an amazing relationship where all you can do is think about the other person, where every new thought that enters your brain seems to revolve around them…tell them, every time.

Now, here’s the tough part. As you’re doing these things, don’t worry about it being recipricated. Teach yourself to not care.

We live in a world that has programmed us to believe that our self-worth rests in other people. We’re taught that finding the right man or woman is all we’ll need, and that once we find that person our lives are going to be perfect.

Of course, it rarely ends up that way. The spark that once existed dies. The cute nicknames are replaced by rolled eyes and sharp comments. Something happens – the person lets us down.

The person doesn’t seem to care enough about us. Doesn’t tell us how special they think we are nearly enough. It seems as though we’re always doing more in the relationship – the scorecard is tilted decidedly in our favor.

So we withdraw. Some of us stay in the relationship and choose to ignore it. Some of us actually get used to fighting – almost get a high from it. Others choose to find solace in someone else’s arms. Still others just call it off, and resolve to be much more careful about who they let in next time.

The thing is, it’s probably neither person’s fault. They’ve been programmed a certain way, by a society that tells them a lie, by a soul that tells itself a lie.

That lie is that someone else can complete you. They can’t.

Guess what? You can’t complete them either.

So where does that leave you? It depends on how you look at it. You can despair and feel sorry for yourself. You can decide that all of this is meaningless, that you’ll never be happy. You can decide to stop looking for love and instead look for opportunities to take advantage of others who are.

Or…you can realize that there is someone else that does complete you. You can spend your life learning how to be loved by someone whose devotion to you never wavers. Learn what love truly is, and discover that the love you’ve been looking for all these years is simply meant to be a reflection, a reminder, and outgrowth of that love you already possess.

Sounds mushy, but it’s also powerful. Powerful because it frees you from looking for that love in someone else. Powerful because it frees you to love others without keeping score. Allows you to love others the way they were meant to be loved by you.

You’ll find people that you find attractive and want to get to know better. You’ll approach them with confidence and be honest, making jokes and being sincerely interested in them. You’ll probably let them know that you’re interested in getting to know them better, and you won’t be afraid. If they aren’t interested, you’ll be okay with that – either way, you’ve let them know that someone out there thinks they’re special and worthwhile and interesting and beautiful.

Maybe you’ll go on a few dates together. You’ll probably tell them how smart you think they are, that you think they’re job is interesting, that you really like their shoes. It might make them uncomfortable. Maybe they’ll withdraw for a bit. Maybe they’ll ask for some space. Maybe they’ll call you a freak and never talk to you again. You won’t care – they’ll know that someone out there thinks they’re special and worthwhile and interesting and beautiful.

And then, one day, you’ll find someone that doesn’t find your honesty strange. You’ll find someone who thinks you’re witty and entertaining and attractive and fun to be around. And the best part is that they’ll be honest enough with themselves to realize that your behavior – the fact that you find them utterly fascinating – isn’t creepy at all, but rather is the thing they’ve wanted for their entire lives, the thing they cried themselves to sleep about after losing…or after never finding anything remotely close to it before. And they’ll love you back with the same reckless abandon that you loved them.

And it will be great and your life will be infinitely better as a result. And in that moment, you’ll experience the closest reproduction of what God wants with us that exists in this world.

Call someone, meet someone, spend time with someone you care about. And tell them. And mean it.

I Have To Be Strong For You

2010-09-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

We take for granted our time at home, we take for granted our times alone, we take for granted our safety and cheer. Until we’re away and there is such sadness and fear.

This time away has caused me to think about our lives together, our bond, our link
things around us change and so do we. Our thought, our goals, our hopes, how we see. Our outlook on life becomes more clear and more than all of this, my love for you more. The time will pass slowly on some of the days and life will change in so many ways. Know that in this time, my love for you will grow stronger. Soon we’ll be together and the void will be no longer.

I miss you so much, Baby!

:(

NOW I KNOW IT IS WORTH IT..

2010-08-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

I tried so hard not to give up on love. I see it all around me and all of my close friends have felt it, except for me. I used to have hope that one day it would be my turn, after all I am only 20. But every time I am presented with the possibility of love I freeze, and completely screw it up. I push it away before it gets too intense, I convince myself that I'm only going to get hurt and what's the point? I wont end up marrying this person, or probably even dating them for that long so why risk hurting myself. I finally decided to take a risk and talk to this guy that I met briefly at the church. We immediately hit it off, and kept in close contact the two weeks. I was so thrilled and excited and ready to take a risk and let myself get hurt because I thought this time would be worth it and maybe I wouldn't get hurt for awhile or maybe not at all.

It was the BEST date, I'd ever been on, I felt comfortable with him and wasn't scared or nervous about what was going to happen. After the date I was flooded with so many emotions I had never felt before, I was nervous and excited in a good way and couldn't wait to see him again. However, after the date all contact between us was forced and it seemed like he was blowing me off. I was completely flabbergasted, how could he be blowing me off after we talked everyday for two weeks and had this incredible date? Am I young and naive in thinking it was more than it really was? I tried to keep in contact because I didn't want this one to get away, I had let him in unlike anyone else before and didn't want to let him go.

It's been a couple weeks, we have barely spoken and any communicating is contrived and strange. I have given up, if he doesn't want to speak to me why should I speak to him? Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, not everyone gets married, who is to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't?

I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.

Missing You

2010-08-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

I miss his voice and the way he says “I love you, Baby ko!”.

I miss his embrace.

I miss his kiss and how it always felt like our first.

I miss the way he kiss me on my nose (aww).

I miss the way he holds my hand ever so tight.

I miss the way he looks into my eyes when we talk.

I miss the way he wipes my tears when I cry and says “Ohh? Baby.. tama na please..”

I miss our everyday dates.

I miss the way he says “Sorry na Baby..”

I miss our movie dates.

I miss the nights na magkatabi kami natutulog tapos pagkagising ko, wala na sya sa tabi ko kasi nagtatrabaho na sa likod pero kapag tinext ko na na gising na ko, nagtatakbo pa papunta sa kwarto tapos sasabihing, "Baby, tara na! kakain na tayo!"

I miss walking hand-in-hand with him, just strolling around.

I miss him doing the lip sync inside the car.

Miss ko na rin yung pagkain namin sa KFC na wala syang ginawa kundi bumili ng Mashed Potato kasi favorite ko yun.

Miss ko yung pagbitbit nya ng bag ko.

Namiss ko yung pagtakip nya sakin para di ako mainitan, yung pag alalay nya sakin pag tatawid sa daan. Yung pag akbay nya sakin pag naglalakad.

I miss the way he changes his voice everytime I answer the phone pretending he was somebody else. Kunwari sya si Daddy nya. "hello, anak?" Hahaha

I miss how he manages the make me feel so good whenever were together.

I miss the way he moves his lips and says “I love you” silently. Lalo na pag nakasakay na ko ng tricycle, or pag andyan yung mga relatives nya sa paligid.

Miss ko na yung pagbuhat nya sakin.. swear!

I miss the thought of being with him in the future.

Miss ko yung pag alam nyang galit ako dahil di sya kagad ngtext or nalowbat sya.. at tapos pagtinawagan ko, "Baby, sorry. Nalowbatt ako kasabay ng I love you, Asawa ko!"

miss kung paano sya naiinis din sakin pag di ako nagrereplyan at sasabihin nyang "San ka na Baby? ansaya naman ata dyan!"

Miss ko ung pag sama nya sakin sa supermarket, tapos ssbihin nya "Baby, ano gusto mo? Kahit ano kuha ka na dali!"

I miss our conversations and how we always end up having the same thought.

I miss his scent and how it lingers in my consciousness even if were not together anymore.

I miss our out-of-the-blue crazy trips.

Miss ko na yung pagdating ko sa kwarto nyang ubod ng gulo! Hahaha

I miss the feeling of excitement before each date. (SOBRAAAA!!! mis ko yan!)

I’ll miss the sight of him waiting for me dun sa may Chowking Crossing.

I miss his goodnights.

I miss the way he says “I miss you na baby ko!”

I miss calling him Halimaw! hahaha

I miss how he rubs his nose against mine and feeling that somehow everything will be fine.

I miss hugging him whenever he turns to me and says “Pa hug nga Baby!”

I miss worrying about him when he’s sick / and him vice versa

I miss the way he teases me pag hinahawakan nya bilbil ko. or minsan sasabihan ako ng "Pumapayat ang Baby ko ah!"

I miss the way he looks kapag galit talga sya.. at sasabihi nyang "Si Baby talaga walang diskarte sa buhay.." pero maya maya tatawa na. Hahaha

I miss the way he looks at me from afar and makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

I miss his composed and relax self whenever we fight.

namiss ko yung pagkagat nya sa likod ko tapos yung pagsuntok ko sa kanya na kinagagalit nya. Hahaha

I miss how we always end up happy and laughing after every fight.

I miss how he manages to make me laugh in my crying moments. Pangit kasi nya umiyak kapag sinabayan ako sa pag-iyak. Hahaha

I miss the feeling of being happy knowing the he’s just there loving me.

<3

BEHIND ALL THESE, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I MISS YOU, BABY! ;)

LOVE UNTOLD

2010-05-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

Someone once asked me what does the expression "love untold" mean. I couldn't explain it very well at the time. Considering it now, it has the uderlying meaning of loving someone dearly but without them fully understanding exactly how much you do. So it made me think, what if a person lived their entire life not knowing the Lord loves them?

Oftentimes a person is hesitant to tell someone how they feel in fear of rejection or feelings being unrequited. However in this case we know God loves man, 'we' being those who have touched the Lord's love. I guess I come to realize we shouldn't be so afraid to tell others that God loves them. Even if the feeling wasn't mutual, wouldn't you still want to know? Even if your're weren't expecting it or not interested, wouldn't it better to know in case one day there was a change in heart? As the banner song goes, the goal of the gospel is that loving the Lord Jesus with our best love...

Lately I've also been pressed with the words proper understanding. Sometimes people try to fully analyze and figure things out before taking action. They need "proper understanding" or reassurance. It is important to be rational and soberminded. However there is also our instinct and intuition which we shouldn't completely ignore. A lesson to learn is not only listen and trust the leading of the Spirit, but also to obey. I remember reading from a ministry excerpt, if we are unwilling to obey, why should the Lord bother speaking and enlightening us on particular matters? Guess our whole being needs to be before Him.

WALK AWAY

2010-05-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

How can someone say goodbye to people without them thinking that you’re abandoning them? How I can explain to old ones that my ”walking away” is just temporary while I’m finding my way back to my own self… to re-gain strength and fill the loss. I have run out of words. I’m scared that I’m feeling I have run out of love to share. Half of my life was spent sharing and that nothing has been left to spare.

To strangers, friends and blog-hoppers… thanks for spending time reading the write-ups. To my family, I wish I can always go back home and you’ll see just the way the world and the people see me as I am. I may have not been totally good as everyone perceived, but I cannot remember any instance that I failed to show compassion I’ve struggled to show. You have always been prioritized… in my 22 years of existence… would it not be too much to ask, that the remaining years be spared of to me.

As I close this, I wish everyone a good life, a good journey and a heart filled with compassion. May the good Lord constantly shower us with blessings and guide as always towards meeting Him halfway. Maraming Maraming Salamat God is watching over us… Include me in your prayers…

“Loving too much is not a guarantee that they’ll gonna love you back.” -Pia

I BELIEVE THAT..

2010-04-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I believe that:

There is a God for it would take a Supreme Being.
There is magic during Christmas time because even the grouchiest person I know is all smiles during this time and, believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the receiving of gifts but with the GIVING.
There are ghosts. Nakakakita ako e.
There are angels for no wind can carry me nor my cousin safely to the ground tuwing mahuhulog kami sa kama.
Man is essentially good except when you take away his most precious and most revered possession.
True financial freedom defined as being free from any worries about what you have to pay and where you have to get your next pamasahe or pangkain is a hoax. You only stop worrying about money when you are dead. However, proper financial management is something that everyone should do.
Hindi lahat ng may business ay mayaman. Minsan, palagi kang breakeven lang lalo na't nagsisimula ka lang.
Lack of jobs is not our country's most pressing problem. We have lots of jobs. The problem lies in finding people qualified. Ergo, what we need is quality education.
You should not use poverty as an excuse para magbenta ng laman. There are other ways to earn money without losing your dignity.
The things you do today would have an impact on your tomorrow so make sure that you plan and live your life well.
When all else fail, a prayer uttered from the heart can save your day.
What you have, you hone it and you share it. Remember the parable of the talents? God did not give you a strong mind to keep to yourself. E di sana ginawa ka na lang nyang halaman?!
Everything...EVERYTHING...happens for a reason. It might not be apparent now but soon you would realize what the reason is.
The people that make up the Church are sinners since they are also human (Read: priests, popes, ministers, etc.) but that doesn't mean that the Church is based on lies. Analogy: Just because a teacher raped a student doesn't mean that all teachers are rapists and that the whole concept of education is all about sex and violence.
You CANNOT please everybody. If you want to please everybody and be friends with everybody, you have to do some thinking. Uhm, baka nawawalan ka na ng sarili mong uniqueness at nakiki-ride ka na lang sa lahat ng tao. Soon, you'd find yourself being pushed aside.
You CANNOT have someone forgive AND forget what you've done. God gave us the ability to hold memories so that we could learn from our mistakes - both your and the person you have offended. Whether that learning is about letting go of someone or accepting the other's shortcomings is something that you have to figure out.

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Broke My Heart

2010-04-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

Dear CoolBlue,

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

That is what they say about women who are rejected by the ones they love. Believe me, I could have gone that route. When I read your answer, I was so consumed by hurt. My pride got hurt. Being the proud person that I am, I wanted to diss you right there and then. It wasn’t much about the content as it was about the delivery. You could have emailed me personally or you could have texted me or you could have done it in a more subtle way - by just putting the words “Meron” or “Wala”. That was what I said in my text, right? Because I don’t need any explanations. It would only make things more complicated. I wouldn’t want you to sugar coat it either.

You might be surprised with this letter. You might think, “Ano na naman ba ‘to?”. Well, when a part of you hurts, you have to do something to make the pain go away. The pain is not about being rejected. I have been down this road a couple of times before. The pain is about being rejected in front of so many people. Strong as I am, I don’t have the ability to handle public rejection quite well.

When I read your letter I wanted so much to make you feel the pain. I know I could do that. I have done something like that before. I have almost ruined someone’s life because of my selfishness. But instead I opted to do the only mature thing to do - I let it pass. I replied to you in private, I hope you got it. I opted to suffer in silence. I opted to carry this on my own because, in the first place, this was something that I should have been ready for.

But allow me to just clear this - just because I told you how I feel doesn’t mean that I want us to be “us”. I just want you to know, nothing more, nothing less. If the feeling is mutual, good. If it’s not, it’s okay. I also have my own priorities and problems that any relationship at this point in time would just end in failure because I don’t have enough time. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure you know how I went for 5 days with so little sleep and food. It wasn’t my first time to do that. I have been doing that for quite sometime because I have so many things to attend to. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and to prove.

At least now I know it’s not mutual. At least now I know where I stand. It hurts but, at least, I know I am still capable of loving. That’s all that matters. Because, in the end, love is more about giving than it is about receiving.

Thank you for the offer of friendship but, like I said, that’s like adding insult to injury. We can’t be friends. Not now, at least. I would just misinterpret everything that you do just like the way I have misinterpreted everything that you did.

- Ako

Second part of the post:

Pansin mo yung makabagbag-damdaming post sa itaas? Kanina ko pa yan iniisip. Napag-usapan kasi namin ng isa kong kaibigan ang galit, relationships, love. Para sa’kin, everything boils down to respect. Respetuhin mo, rerespetuhin ka rin pabalik. Para din sa trabaho yan e. Reprimand in private but praise in public. At pag nag-reprimand ka, make sure na you do it in a nice way - Positive - Negative - Positive.

Unfortunately, not many people know what respect is all about. With respect comes sensitivity. Hinde ka pwedeng humirit ng humirit all the time. You have to be aware of how the other party would react.

Okay, for those who are in a relationship, plans to be in a relationship, cannot handle a relationship, or are plain lost when it comes to relationships:

If you can’t love someone, if you can’t return the feelings, stay away. Now is not the right time to offer friendship. Pwedeng iba ang maging interpretation sa actions mo.
Wag kang magbibitiw ng linyang “hinde ako ang nararapat para sa kanya”. Hinde mo alam kung ano pwedeng mangyari sa mga susunod na araw, linggo, buwan o taon para sabihin yan. Besides, standard nya ang magma-matter, hinde standard mo. Wag mo syang pangunahan. Magpasalamat ka na lang na may nagkagusto sa’yo.
Wag mong kwestyunin kung bakit sya nagkagusto sa’yo. Pag nagmahal ka, hinde mo rin naman kayang ipaliwanag kung bakit mo minahal yung taong yun. Pag dumating yung time na kaya mo nang ipaliwanag, hinde na pagmamahal yan.
Kung mahal mo, mahal mo. Kung hinde mo mahal, just say so. Wag kang magi-in between na sagot. Nakamamatay ng neurons yun. Hinde rin naman siguro ganun ka-bobo yung kausap mo para hinde maintindihan ang pagkakaiba ng Oo sa Hinde. Wag playing safe kasi ikaw ang mawawalan.
Tandaan: Walang manlalandi kung walang magpapalandi. In short, hinde ka nyan mamahalin ng todo-todo kung hinde ka nagpakita ng motibo.

Kumplikadong topic ang pag-ibig. Kalinya sya ng religion at politics (although hinde kasing deadly). Pero yun ang isang bagay na kayang pag-usapan ng lahat ng tao. Lahat tayo ay may kakayahang magmahal…wag sayangin…dahil may mga taong ibibigay ang buhay nila para maranasan lang ulit ang magmahal at mahalin.

FALLING AND FOOLING LOVE

2010-04-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Ewan ko ba kung paano napasok sa usapan ang “tiwala” kaya napatagal ang pag-iinternet ko kagabi. Marahil ay napapanahon na upang bigyang-tuon ko ang salitang ito. Sa halos ilang taon na rin ang dami kong naging definition ng salitang pagtitiwala at pakikisama. Na ang pakikisama ay nakadepende sa level ng pagtitiwala ko sa isang tao.

Ayoko nang magtanong. Dahil ayokong mag-isip pa ang utak ko sa “gawa-gawang kwento” at “totoong nangyari.” Mapapatawad ko pa ang utak ko sa pagpayag na mag-isip ng kung ano-ano na maaaring iclassify na pagdududa pero ang puso hindi. Alam nito kung ang taong kausap ko ay hindi totoo, nakikisama lang o wala lang.

Hindi ko na nga halos alam kung ano ang salitang pagtitiwala. Sa dami ba naman ng taong sumira nito, may matino, umaaktong matino, engot, magaling na engot at mahusay na manipulator. Inihulma ko ang sarili kong gamitin ang sinasabi ni Debs na “filter”. Piliin lang ang gusto mong paniwalaan at ang natitira ay hayaan mo na lang sa isantabi.

Ang hindi ko rin lubos maisip ay kung paanong nagagawa ng mga taong ito ang makipagusap ng harapan habang sa likod ng kanilang mga isipan ay iba pala ang nais ipakahulugan. Maraming tuso ang nagkalat at nasa sa iyo na kung papabiktima ka ba sa mga ganitong klase ng tao.

Hindi kasi ako ganon. Added burden sa akin ang magsuot ng maskara sa pakikisama, sa pakikipagkaibigan at pakikitungo sa ibang tao. Kaya ganun din ang gusto ko… mas matatanggap ko pa nga ang pagsasabi ng lahat ng baho sa pagkatao kesa paniwalain mo ako sa “gawa-gawang pagkatao” lang.

May human instinct tayo eh. Maloloko mo ang ibang tao at maaaring isa ako dun… pero ituturo ako sa tamang dapat kong paniwalaan…

Applicable sa akin ung salitang…. “madaling magpatawad, pero mahirap sa akin ang makalimot…”

I have given you so much time to be “true”…. do I deserve to be fooled?

A True Maldita

2010-04-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Hindi ako mag e-endorse ng clothing line. Gusto ko lang i-define ano ba ang maldita. Sino nga ba ang CERTIFIED MALDITA? According to popular belief, ang mga maldita ay yung tipong napapanood natin sa teleserye - nananampal at nanabunot ng bidang babae. Sa totoong buhay, madalang ka lang maka encounter ng demonyita, hindi maldita yun. aswang na ang tawag sa mga napapanood mong antagonists sa paborito mong soap. eh ano nga ba talaga ang maldita?

1. Maldita ka, pag marunong kang magsalita at sumagot. Ang dami - daming matalino, maganda, may pinag-aralan, nasa mataas na kumpanya, may Masteral degree, mayaman pero pag nagsalita wala kang mapulot. Parang mga high school na ang range of topic lang na pwede silang maging aktibo ay tungkol sa lalaki at sa ‘close friends’ nila na hindi mo naman kilala sa earth. Maldita ka, pag kahit anong usapan — usapang kanto, usapang tambay, usapang propesyonal, usapang bakla, usapang pang-artist, usapang baluktot ay pwede kang sumabay. Hindi sarado mag-isip ang maldita. Hindi mo sila maririnigan ng ” eeeewwww, that’s yucky!”, ang arte!!! hahaha :)))

2. That points out to the next characteristic of a maldita. She doesn’t speak like a mongoloid. Magsasalita siya ng diretso. Walang arte. Walang pagpapanggap. Kung hindi siya bihasa sa english, eh di sa tagalog at kung gusto naman n’yang magsalita sa english eh hindi siya gumagaya ng mga two-year old kid na parang bulol na at may speech defect, maging ’sosyal’ lang sa tingin ng iba. You are not a maldita, if you try to speak in english & your grammar is unforgivable. That means, she isn’t Trying Hard to Impress Anyone. (example ung friend ko) and probably she really has a good head on her shoulders but she will not pass to be a maldita. why? she answers phone with a ” HEYOW” and not with a proper ‘HELLO’. Dear, if you are going to read this, Hello is spelled with an ‘L’ not with a ‘Y’. Nakakahiya, Speak well. :|

3. A maldita does not succumb to pain & hurt. Normal sa mundo ang masaktan at mahirapan at apihin ng mga hinayupak na mapang-api sa mundo. Pero, she doesn’t stop looking for her heart, I don’t say that malditas cannot be weak. But what is admirable in them, is that they admit their weaknesses, their pains & hurts. They don’t put a farce of stregth and joviality if they don’t feel happy. & they try to stand up, after every fall. They are not afraid to trudge a new road or get up and continue the journey. They just don’t move on, they become better — in the sense of strength, life views, character & relating with themselves & with others.

4. Maldita ka kapag marunong kang magsabi ng ‘tama na’. Maraming babae na kahit durog na durog na ang puso, dignidad at pagkatao ay sumisige pa rin. Sa kahit anong konteksto ng sitwasyon — relasyon, pamilya, trabaho at relihiyon. Hindi papayag ang isang maldita na maligaw ng panghabambuhay ang pagkatao at puso n’ya. Hindi n’ya hahayaan na hindi na n’ya kilala ang sarili n’ya pag gising n’ya isang araw dahil sa mga ginagalawan n’yang mga sitwasyon. Maraming pagkakataon na dumadaan ang isang tao sa sangang-daan at malaki ang posibilidad na maligaw at mawala ka — makalimutan ang tunay na kulay ng puso mo, pero kung hindi mo na ulit makikita ang sarili mo, talo ka. A maldita doesn’t let her boyfriend, her past, her parents, her family, her work, her achievements, her career, her position, her friends, her peers,&& her religion DEFINE her. She knows herself && she knows her heart.

5. & lastly. You are Maldita if you admit you are ONE. marami kasi, nagpapanggap pang goody-goody. Naman, bait-baitan ka d’yan, eh ang totoo naman maitim din ang budhi. There is nothing wrong & bad with being a maldita. As i have pointed out , wala namang masama sa pagiging maldita — Being maldita is actually a blessing if you know how to use it ( Parang powers lang). Walang masama sa pagiging maldita basta wag kang maging bitchesa to the thousandth power. Aminado ako, maldita ako. Lahat ng nagiging tunay kong kaibigan ay makaka attest na maldita ako. Totoo, dati i thought being maldita can be a drawback for me, but i have proven that my being maldita is being true to myself. That if i try to be the sweet-looking girl next-door, that is utterly kaplastikan. This is me. If you want me, take me, if not then, you can always take a step away and leave. I won’t rub in myself to you. This is a free world. You can always think and feel otherwise. :)

QUESTION: Am I Going Back To Square One Again?

2010-04-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

Never had this feeling for such a long time... being back to my old self again... waking up happy, less worries to think about and finally feeling my heart beating at its normal speed... its just like magic... There is no assurance that I will no longer feel the pain or the anxiety of missing someone so much, or longing for that one person's love.... But I can say that somehow I was able to learn to stand up again, be myself and love myself more...

I appreciate me for just being me... nothing more, nothing less...

I have me, my family and friends... is there anything to ask more? I already feel blessed knowing to have this life... knowing that I have a wonderful family who will love me for who I am.. I have supportive and loving friends who makes me feel loved and remembered despite the distance... Why would I dwell to be stuck in such a miserable life knowing that there is one person who doesn't even bother to care?

I deserve to be loved, to be taken care of... and most of all I deserve to be happy... not to be happy with someone else, but being happy with myself..

This time I know better what to do.... I will love myself first so I can have more love to share til that one person comes along... Thank you Lord for being so patient with me... Thank you for loving me unconditionally and for giving me this life... To you I return all the glory...

Being Taken For Granted Or Just Being Stupid As Usual

2010-04-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

I know I think too much, but I honestly believe I stumble upon things this way, or I don't even know...

I'm starting to wonder if I'm being taken for granted. I came to this thought because my boyfriend is always so fine about doing things without me-- not so much doing actual things, but staying in and not coming over and not wondering what I'm up to when he leaves. He says he trusts me and that's why, and then the other night he was like "How would you like it if I asked you where you go and why? Do you like it when I ask you that?" and no, I didn't, instantly I could tell.

But I feel like he should at least feel like he should come see me whenever he can instead of taking so much time away...

Then I get paranoid... and it leads to me thinking a million other things that I wont even get into because it could just be nothing. But this here is my main concern. I want to tell him the next time I see him that I think he's taking me for granted. I almost want to tell him he's lucky to have a girl he can trust and let him know of what some girls I know do behind their bf's backs. I really do wonder if he's taking me for granted... I guess I can't accept the fact that he's just so comfortable that he doesn't have such a need to always see me or hear from me.

I've stopped calling him all the time, and sometimes we don't talk on some days, so I figure that's giving him some space in the meantime, but afterwards it still feels like it's not enough...

I feel like he should hold onto me more and be more careful... not that I'd do anything, but that's how I'd know if I'm being taken for granted or not.

If anyone knows of other ways I could determine this before I talk to him about it (this weekend-- I don't like talking over the phone about anything potentially serious) then that would be good for me to think about.

EMO-ness

2010-03-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Nagiging habit ko na lately ang magdere-deretso ng walang tulog lalo na kung may problema regarding err.. Hmmm… Because of this, I usually sport red eyes (sorry, walang eyebags sa liit ba naman ng mata kong to). Siguro yun din ang dahilan kung bakit emo na naman ako lately.

I’ve been doing some thinking and I’ve come to realize a number of things:

Controlling my anger is a good thing but there are times when I need to stand up for myself.
Making a mistake doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. It only means that I am human.
Saying “Sorry” doesn’t mean that you are admitting that you are wrong. It only means that you love the other person so much that you are willing to let go of your pride. However, one “Sorry” is enough (o sige, mga hanggang 10). If ayaw nyang tanggapin, if ayaw nyang pakinggan, hinde ko na problema yun.
Mahirap pag sapilitan ang friendship. Since hinde kusang tumubo, walang masyadong weight. Madaling talikuran.
Sometimes, I downplay myself too much that other people think I am naive or, worse, that I have nothing between my ears.

From now on, I would only pay more attention to people who are able to respect me as a person. From now on, I would only give my heart to someone who knows how to take care of it. From now on, I would only be a friend to someone who is not afraid to speak the truth to me, someone who can be loyal to me and hinde yung patalikod kung lumaban

….suko na ako sa mga taong user, backfighter, plastic etc.

Welcome to My Dark Side

2010-03-26T01:48:00.000-07:00

And, in keeping with my love for lists, I’m writing here my top 8 “quirks”:

Mukha akong suplada sa personal. Hinde kasi ako palangiti sa totoong buhay. Pwera nalang kung close na tayo. Bakit? Malabo kasi mata ko. Malay ko ba kung baliw na ang tingin mo sa’kin.
Kulang ako sa break fluid. Minsan, may mga hirit ako na semplang. (por eksampol: Gio: Baby, anong oras na?. Pia: Mukha ba kong orasan ha? Sa maniwala kayo’t sa hinde, hinde ako galit nung sabihin ko yan)
I am a firm believer in commitment and promises. If you say 5:00 pm, make sure you deliver by 5:00 pm. If you can’t, inform me beforehand. Ayoko ng last minute change of plans lalo na pag dating sa lahat. Naha-high blood ako sa ganyan.
Perfectionist at demanding ako. Mataas ang standards ko at mataas rin ang expectations ko. Force of habit. Labing-apat na taon akong na-train na ganyan mag-isip. (Dagdag mo pa yung pitong taon kong pagkabata)
Sobrang marunong akong mag-express ng galit. Promise! Malalaman mo lang galit na ako ‘pag binasa mo shout outs ko sa Friendster at Facebook, ‘pag pinakinggan mo kung ano yung paulit-ulit kong pinapakinggan (Eminem=galit, Linkin Park = nag-uumapaw sa galit, ma kantang pang-headbang na hinde mo na maintindihan ang lyrics dahil panay sigaw lang = World War III). On the other hand, pag nahimasmasan na ako at nailabas ko na galit ko, kakausapin kita at sasabihin ko sa’yo kung bakit ako nagagalit sa’yo (exception to the rule: pag trust issues, may 60% chance hinde na kita kausapin).
Emo ako. Back-read kayo para makita ang ebidensya. Trying hard maging emo. Hahaha.
Baliw ako. Madaling patawanin. Konting jokes. Ayan na ang tawa ko. Lalo na pag naaalala ko sina Cute na Rabbit at Napakatuling Pagong. (Baby, alam mo to) Halimaw na Manok ako sa tunay na buhay. Sabi lang ni Baby yan.
Mabagal akong mag-add at subract pero magaling ako sa Multiplication at Division. Natatandaan ko noong Elementary years ko, panlalaban ako ni Ma’am Vicente sa Math BULPRISA pero sa takot ko nakipagpalit ako sa bestfriend ko. Ako sa General Information at sya sa Math.

Yan ang aking dark side. Ikaw, ano ang dark side mo?

Tagalog Blog

2010-03-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

For weeks I’ve been thinking of having a Tagalog blog. For what reason? Wala lang….gusto ko lang. I love my native tongue and I wanted to hasten my writing in Tagalog. Actually, for others, writing in English is easier than writing in Tagalog so it must be a challenge to me. Mas mahirap ata grammar ng Tagalog kesa English. Now I remember my cousin who failed in his Filipino subject. When I asked him why, he said “super hirap kaya ng Filipino”. I am thinking of what will be the contents of my upcoming Tagalog blog (kung di ako tamarin para gumawa ng isa pang blog!) I am planning to keep it private so I could post my personal thoughts that I cannot post in my other personal blogs. At pag ma-discover nila, wala na sila magawa. Nai-blog ko na sila!hahahaha So, good luck nalang sa akin. I am 100% sure now that I wanted to have that blog with a local tongue.